“But Inside I’m Screaming”

One greater fiction that made it in picking my brains is “[b]ut inside I’m screaming” by Elizabeth Flock. In her writing she narrates on a life of a news reporter, Isabel Murphy who froze on air while reporting on the death of Princes Diana who had just died on a car accident. Isabel was flabbergasted by the tragic event that afforded her a schizophrenic mode and suicidal tendencies. She was later admitted at a four-star mental institute called “Three Breezes”. Due to discomfort and stigma attached to those in mental institutions, Isabel envied life outside Three Breezes. After few attempts to escape the center, she had to employ a fake recovering strategy. She would wake up for a bath, dress well, smell good, put on a charming smile yet in her words, inside she was screaming. To me she became the perfect role player who unfolded life’s reality. The reality embedded in fake personalities and inner struggles. Struggles with and within the self. Struggles pertaining emotions. The problem with emotional struggles is that they build up fake characters. Fake characters that tend to overshadow reality. Fake characters that build walls of deception. Perhaps ‘deception’ is an over suggested word. But I mean characters with issues. If not on romantic relationships then issues on careers, cascading through to those in families (those among parent and children and/or of unresolved siblings rivalry). Characters with issues against friends. Characters that deny to be well informed about the secret to freedom and joy. Very rarely will issues compensate one with freedom and excitement till one learns to let go. But how does one let go over a persistent and arrogant hurt? How does one’s smile become genuine around betrayals? How does one exercise freedom when bound by chains of resentment? Chains of families that ‘act up’ cohesion in the presence of other social actors. Chains that transform humanity into fake emotional agents in order to survive. Such is apparent among most young people I come across and those I serve on a daily basis. Below I present to you three different cases common among most young people.

Case 1: 

Let us consider the life of Dale (pseudonym) who is 17 of age and from a nuclear family. He is the second last born in his family and has two younger siblings (approximately 15 and 10). His elder sister does not stay with them for reasons unknown. He is currently doing his final year at high school and aspires going to tertiary next year (2016). This is what Dale faces on a daily basis. His parents are always drinking and fighting. They would disappear from home the whole day leaving him with the kids. If they are home, they would pick a fight easily. Violence is now part of the culture in his home. When his parents are not home, he would clean the house, cook, look after the younger siblings, study for his tests and exams. Sometimes he would sleep late while trying to get hold of his parents over the phone. At 3am that’s then that the parents would arrive, and sometimes violence would break out from there and Dale would have to be the mediator. When he is home and want to study but can’t take the pressure, he often takes his books to go to his church where he can study peacefully. He is 17 of age and I said.

Case 2:

Let us consider the life of Jade (Pseudonym), a 15 year old boy also from a nuclear family. He is also a second born in his family and has two younger siblings (approximately 5 and 8). According to Jade’s parents he is supposed to be “a man”. God knows how the conceptualisation of “man” looks like in this context. He has to help do the cleaning in the house (which that should be a requirement for every child). But Jade goes to the greater extent in his contribution. He reports on his sister (18 of age, towards 19) doing less of the house chores compared to him. Jade is often shouted at in the family when things do not go as anticipated. During financial constraints, he is the one who goes from house to house borrowing money for his parents’ ‘needs’. Drawing from reliable sources, sometimes the money is used over pleasure while the needs of the children are neglected. One day Jade gave me a call around 10pm requesting money so he can buy bread and keep some for his younger siblings to buy snacks at school. He sounded determined to take a more than 30 minutes walk for 20 bucks. At that moment his parents were home, waiting for him to be the mastermind – and make a plan. He is 15 of age and I said.

Case 3:

Let us ponder through the life of Onica (pseudonym) a 17 year old girl. Her family is no more nuclear. She lives with her brother who is 25 of age and has four other older siblings staying elsewhere. She is the youngest in the family. Drawing from her testimony she once gave in a public domain. After the passing of her father she had to stay with her two siblings (a brother and a sister). Onica’s family is originally from Malawi and her mother was in a foreign country working hard to earn a living for her family. Onica and her siblings relocated to join their mother in the foreign country of South Africa from Malawi. Instead of Onica’s mother being more jubilant at the arrival of her children, she packed few of her items and returned to Malawi. The sister to Onica moved out from the house to have her own living elsewhere, leaving Onica with the brother Joshua (25). Joshua does everything for her; buys her clothes, toiletries, give her lunch money for school, talk and listen to Onica’s problems. He is the mother, father, brother, sister, and friend to Onica. The reality is that Onica is the child whose mother and other four elder siblings are still alive but cannot take responsibility. Onica is a smart girl who gets good grades at school and receive awards of excellence, yet cannot afford any support from her family when going to receive them. 17 of age she is and I said.

Now I wish all cases presented above were material of fiction. Sadly they are not. They are just unpleasant or rather ‘bad’ realities. In her narratives, a Nigerian novelist Chimamande Adechie posits on how the word “bad” is relative such that if the global recession affords one in Europe to stop going to eat at a restaurant, it also affords one in Africa to have no meal before bed. In relation to the lives of the young people alluded above, one might argue that someone somewhere is going through deeper than what Dale, Jane and Onica are going through. That would be an absolute relevant argument. Dear reader, I write on this to extend my invite that we continue with the conversations about screaming in the inside. All stories matter, irrespective of who tells them, provided they are true and correct. One might challenge the lack of empathetic understanding on the fear of responsibility from Onica’s family (or particularly her mom). One might argue that the parents to Jade and Dale are teaching the boys independence. That could be true, but what is a lesson conducted without love and rationale? How does one explain the messed up lives within black families that cannot give support to their children. If Onica goes to school to receive her awards alone, how many other black kids face that lack of support from their families on a daily basis? I sometimes find myself telling the kids it will be alright. Sometimes I even wonder if indeed it will be alright or this is engraving un-existing hope which will exacerbate the vulnerability out of the kids. What is of unspoken narratives is that the hurting people always aim at putting smiles in other people’s faces. Dale, Jade and Onica are part of those. They haven’t got time for their problems. But that does not dismiss the possibility that they may see what they are going through. However, are kids who wake up to bath, put on nice clothes, wear fresh lotions and perfumes, put on glowing smiles and practice their charming walks, but inside they’re screaming. They eagerly wait for a chance to escape reality same way Isabel tried at ‘Three Breezes’. They wait for hope. But who will bring hope if their entire families lacks a slight spark of perfection? If no one cares. If no one is there to rehearse words of hope in their ears. Who will bring them hope when they are afraid of home because home is failing them. Home is not a fun place to be. Home is cold, home is aggressive. Home is full of streams of tears flowing down people’s cheeks which no tissue can wipe, but pillows in the dark closed doors while sleeping the pains away. Who will wipe away the hurt that affords the young and the old to be fake emotional agents? Who will destroy the walls of resentment that fakes cohesion and shun love and reconciliation? Who will disprove me of the existing generation that concedes these lines “dear world, though I look pretty and strong. Though I am fully dressed with cotton cuts shaped in beauty that falls in the confines of fashion. Though I’m smeared with the great fragrance from various mixtures of ingredients that makes the final product – perfume. Though I smile to heal others’ sorrows. But inside I’m screaming”. Who and what in the physical and emotional world is the hope of the smiling but hurting?